First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
