New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize