I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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