Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He has the fingertips of a God
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