if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
