So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
