I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
