I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
