fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Who did Billy Mays play for?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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