Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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