Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
