i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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