Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
