I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
