she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
