Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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