A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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