The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
