I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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