I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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