Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
