Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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