First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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