After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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