I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
