but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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