i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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