I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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