I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
