Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
