The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
