Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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