Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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