Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
