I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
