This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
