I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
