Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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