she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
