Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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