Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
