Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize