Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
