I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
