Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
