just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize