Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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