I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I need water and some morals
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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