I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
