My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
