I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
