the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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