her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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