you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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