Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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