I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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