Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
