I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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