I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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