I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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