Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
