I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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